BEARS

In September 2021 I became a mamma to the most amazing baby boy. I'll share much more about that part of my story at a later post.

There have been many surprises to motherhood. One amusing surprise for example, I had no idea that having a baby boy would mean bears would become such a big part of our world. We received children’s books about a brown bear and a white polar bear. Diapers have panda bear design. His winter coat has two ears on top of the hood. Gifts of clothes and blankets we received have bear designs as well. And if there is a hood on any article of clothing, chances are there are two bear ears on top.

When our baby rubs his eyes, I’ve caught myself asking are you a sleepy bear? And when he cries to put in his order to eat, I’ve said, are you a hungry bear?

A dear friend gave me a book with Mamma Bear in the title. And one of my favorite children’s books gifted to us is called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt by Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury. My friend sent us two copies as her family loved it so much. We keep a copy in the car and a copy in one of our book baskets. And we read it often!

This book describes the delightful adventure of a family on a bear hunt. Through physical obstacles, suspense and humor this book reveals a major life truth. I wonder if the author wrote the book as a metaphor for the parents who would read the book over and over to little ones. Or perhaps it was written for parents to hear the words as they read aloud to their children as public service announcement for whatever may come in life. Whatever the author's intent, it has struck a chord in my soul.

On this bear hunt the family faces challenging landscapes such as woods, a river, a cave, mud and even a snow storm. Every new space they encounter is met by this saying,

Oh-Oh! A cave! . . . We can’t go over it. We can’t go under it. Oh, no! We’ve got to go through it!

On numerous occasions I’ve read that book outoud through tears. We haven’t faced scary woods or a cave (spoiler alert—they find a bear on the bear hunt!) But the onset of parenthood brought unexpected crisis to our little family. We faced scary possibilities regarding our baby’s life, medical tests, 43 days in the NICU, and open-heart surgery for our baby to name just a few.

One week before my due date we learned our baby had a rare, life-threatening heart issue. My care and his were quickly transferred to the Cleveland Clinic main campus where I delivered just five days after receiving news that turned our world upside down. We couldn’t go over it or under it—we had to go through it!

Oh the JOY of our sweet baby boy! He’s ours and we are his— forever changed by this new love! I never imagined that from the moment of birth we would witness undoubtable strength in our beautiful baby. He came out fighting for his life. And as his parents we’ve known a sacred privilege of fighting alongside him.

The first 43 days of his life were spent in Cleveland Clinic NICU. There isn’t space here to unpack the first 6 months of our baby’s life or my experience in motherhood and honestly my heart is still processing it all. But I will say on more than one occasion I looked at my husband and said straight-faced,

I can’t believe we are still standing!

In January our sweet baby boy endured life-necessary open-heart surgery followed by a brutal ICU recovery stay at hospital. From his birth we knew he would need open heart surgery to live but it was the hardest thing we have walked through. The words describing the surgery clued me in that it would be rough. And I did not want our baby to go through it and as new parents I did not want my husband and I to go through it. With each passing day I prayed God would finish forming our baby's heart so that he would not need such a major surgery. Each time our baby had a cardio-echo (and there have been 15 so far) I fully expected the cardiologist to say the missing part had miraculously appeared and his heart was healed, no longer requiring the massive surgery. But those prayers were not answered.

Passing our baby from our hands to an anesthesiologist who would carry him into an operating room knowing all that the next 7 hours would entail on an operating table felt like torture, like more than we could bear. And then the days that followed in the pediatric cardiology intensive care unit were even worse. Every day seemed harder than the one before as a team of medical professionals worked to manage our baby's pain, remove chest tubes, remove wires that were still attached to his heart, all while keeping his heart rate and blood pressure within very tight windows as set by the cardio thoracic surgeon. I would have given anything for our baby not to have gone through that nightmare.

Today our son is almost 3 months post-surgery and 6 months old. He continues to recover like the mighty warrior he is! To God be the glory the surgery had a very positive outcome. Our baby is alive! Every treacherous step has been worth it for my boy and my joy! The strength of my husband and son have been my saving grace. To traverse a grueling path surrounded by strength has made all the difference in the world. Our family has moved mountains for us and have been there for us in incredible ways! And our friends, the body of Christ, have truly been extensions of God’s hands of love covering us the past six months with such generosity I can hardly describe.

Oh no! We’ve got to go through it!

I wonder if these words were first uttered by the people of Isreal as they fled Egypt. Did they say Oh no! We’ve got to go through it when they learned they would have to cross the Red Sea?

With Pharoah’s army pursuing from behind, the Hebrew people could not turn around. They didn’t have a bridge to go over the sea nor a tunnel to go under it. Instead, they had to go through it. And as God parted the sea for them, I wonder what faith it required to walk through it.

For I do not want you to be ignorant of the fact, brothers and sisters, that our ancestors were all under the cloud and that they all passed through the sea. I Corinthians 10:1

Some of my favorite words from Yahweh are shared in Exodus 14 where Israel’s crossing of Red Sea is told. As the people of Israel painted imaginative pictures of a better life while in bondage in Egypt, Moses responded,

Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:13-14

This is where I find myself today—there are many obstacles I would love to avoid, I can’t go over them or around them, I have to go through them. The ones we have been through—still break my heart that we ever had to go through them. What has been presented to us we've had to go through. And as we move forward with painful challenges still ahead for our little family, we move forward with the hope that God will fight for us like he fought for His people when they crossed the Red Sea.

Most people will not be able to relate with the specifics I’ve just shared. I’m truly glad that most will never know what we know. But having spent a fair amount of time in the various pediatrics departments of the Cleveland Clinic, I know many families face what we face and many are facing much worse.

Your bear hunt obstacles may not be extreme health diffiulties of your baby but it could be about something else. Is there a path you are trekking but would much rather go around or skip all together?

I’m curious—what are you going through? Is there something you would rather go over or under or like me, wish you could skip it all together? Are you clinging to hope that God will fight for you?

Please share in comments. I want to hear from YOU!