Waiting

There is waiting like in a long line at Costco and then there is W A I T I N G for years like God's people in the wilderness. Waiting has been an unwelcome theme of my story.

Waiting felt like exile, like removal from the natural order. A natural order established by God and painfully reinforced by society that seemed to leave me out. I was left out from the structure of church. Not having a husband excluded me from many opportunities. And I was excluded from the mom clubs and play groups and Bible studies with focus on marriage or parenting.

My years of singleness were marked by honesty. I refused to kill the desire for marriage and children like so many do in an effort to seem to choose circumstances out of our control. I was honest about my desires and I know that made many uncomfortable. I have heard dear friends tell me "don't want it so much!"

My singleness wasn't explainable. Many times I heard about people being single for "a reason or for a season." I was certain I was in the latter camp. My community, those who knew me best assured me I was single for a season. For those who didn't have to wait and life just seemed easier for them my story was so perplexing.

I didn't just sit around waiting. I lived my life. I took action. I did all the things, ALL the things. I stayed involved in local church and was out socially as much as possible. I "put myself out there." I tried to become the person the type of man I wanted would want. I read all the books, listened to Christian radio on the topic of singleness. I tried online dating and even hired a professional match maker. And nothing brought change to my season of singleness. There were dates and relationships with mostly decent men but not marriage not for many, many years.

In singleness I wasn't waiting for my life to begin. I pursued many dreams, traveled the world, invested in friendship, spiritually poured into others, and even published my first book, I didn't just sit at home twiddling my thumbs. I lived life and tried to live it fully as best I could alone. One book on dating (which was really just a slam on Christian women) condemned single women being home too much because their chances of getting married would come from someone delivering a package to their front door. As much as I hated that book, I heard the message loud and clear to not wait at home for God to bring a spouse. The farther I got from college years the more intentional I had to be. It required effort as my friends were married with children to engage in social activities that would put me in contact with other single people.When I traveled for work I ate meals at restaurants often bar where they like to sit parties of 1 in an effort to meet another party. I always told married friends I was open to meeting people and willing to go on blind dates (and I have some hilarious stories from those days!)

I have so many thoughts about singleness that I will save... today is about the waiting.

To God be the glory great things He has done! On December 4, 2020, surrounded by our family and a few dear friends my husband and I sealed our love through vows committing to die to self for the sake of the other.

Leading up to our nuptials, my timing and God’s timing never lined up. This was most obvious in my journey to marriage. As a high school student, I volunteered with an abstinence peer coaching program. Vividly, I recall the wife of a local pastor imparting her personal (but wrong) belief: If you don’t have sex before marriage, God will bring your dream spouse and bless your family more than you can ask or imagine. Not only did I speak about abstinence at local high schools, but I accepted her belief, hook, line and sinker. However, that narrow, western formula view of Christianity (if you do this, God will do that) did not include an asterisk for when we do our part but God doesn’t do what we think is His part. Her promises about doing the right thing and God will "bless" you didn't have an explanation or even a category for those who wait. It most certainly couldn't account for my story.

I waited. Waiting seemed to be this banner over my life. I thought obedience was my part. So why wasn’t God doing His part? God's timing and waiting were so hard to reconcile.

As I matured spiritually, formula Christianity was replaced with biblical theology with space for mystery and waiting on God’s timing. When I prayed for provision, the great I AM offered me Himself. I discovered in seasons of waiting; YAHWEH allows the ache of longing to carve out space in our soul for more of Him. As I experienced more of Him, I gained the deep awareness that we are known and fully loved by Father, Son and Holy Spirit. And I learned He wastes nothing, not even our waiting.

During seasons of loss and waiting I was also challenged to give thanks in all things. When I felt the least thankful, I began to give thanks in all things. Gratitude became a weapon against the lies of the enemy—like the lie that God had somehow forgot to provide my spouse. Gratitude uncovered a panoramic view of God’s richest blessings lavished in seasons of suffering and waiting.

For years I waited and prayed. I prayed God would provide a godly spouse. And as the years progressed my heart longed for children. I began to pray Almighty God would hold back two healthy eggs for two healthy babies. In the waiting I felt like a woman in the Old Testament. I didn’t know many modern women who could relate with waiting at the level I became acquainted.

I waited for a baby. For years the theme of barroness took residency in my soul. Every year the fall, the season of back to school put a spot light on all that my life lacked.

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him Lamentations 3:22-25

After years of waiting on the Lord I had to embrace it is good to wait on the Lord. My definition of good had to evolve to include what God says is good-- and that includes forming me like Jesus by whatever methods He deems best. I leaned into His mercies that are new every morning. I discovered the powerful truth that God wasn't calling me to be single for years He was just calling me to be single for one day. In that day I could trust and hope in Him and He provided he mercies and compassion needed to sustain me for that one day.

After more than twenty years of waiting for a godly spouse, in January of 2019, I met my amazing godly husband, Abraham, at Ebenezer’s Coffee Shop while traveling to Washington DC for work. Ebenezer’s is a Christian coffee house I visited on all my work trips to DC. On a prior visit at Ebenezer’s I wrote in my prayer journal over a latte asking God again to remember me and provide my husband. Abraham is a respected foreign policy leader, our spiritual leader and my life partner. He is the answer to many years of prayers and waiting.

Like Isaiah 60:22 attests, when it is God’s time, He moves swiftly. To God be the glory, we conceived on our honeymoon! Our baby was born September 2021.

On this side of waiting I am walking out what feels like an epic Old Testament miraculous story! While I still don’t fully understand it, I trust God’s timing. In the midst of waiting I experienced my Savior personally and learned rhythms gratitude and grace. In the midst of waiting I became convinced our God is good and He is Sovereign. My definition of good had to change (more on that another day) God is good not because of what He has done for me, He is good based on His definition of goodness. He is faithful to His promises, they are yes and amen for His glory.

Today there is still waiting in my story. Getting married and having a baby didn't completely remove waiting from my life. There are still some big areas of provision we are trusting God. God seems to be saying wait on me. Thankfully today I'm not waiting for a husband or baby. Those two provisions have been the absolute greatest gifts in my life and frankly worth the wait. I hate that cliche. I'm sorry to have used it. It never helped to hear people say it would be worth the wait. When you are waiting you just feel the ache of longing and the sting when your want is provided for someone else. I would not want to wait again for marriage nor would I wish the kind of waiting I have known on anyone but I am thankful for the provision in my life. And I am immensely grateful for the spiritual fruit wai in my life. The relationship I have today with the Trinity is unique because of the deep dependency required in seasons of waiting.

So, what are you waiting for? Is there a theme of waiting in your story? Maybe it's not for a spouse but perhaps it is for a baby, an issue in your marriage, a health issues, a financial struggle, career challenge or family member who hasn't yet trusted in Jesus as their Savior. Can you relate with the theme of waiting? Let's talk about it. I'd love to hear your thoughts on waiting in the comments. What is waiting stirring in you? What fruit is growing in you because of waiting? Is there something about your Creator you know because waiting?